I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like this…
Not just in the last 10 or 15 years, but in the last couple weeks alone.
Work, family, friends, bills…life. Things no one is every truly prepared for – no matter how awesome of planners we (think) may be. Then, to make matters even more complicated, we fall into the routine of thinking we have to take on the world…alone. Deadlines. Schedules. Seeking constant approval from those who really don’t matter in the long run.
I was given advice, quite some time ago, that if you look at your situation – or problem – that is troubling you at this time and really analyze it, you have to ask yourself a simple question, “Will this matter in a year?” Majority of the time, the true answer is “no”. If you take a day off of doing dishes – just to relax and not worry about impressing people who may not even come by your home – will it matter in a year that you didn’t do your dishes that day? Nope. If you take an extra couple hours to yourself, to wander around the mall aimlessly, to read an extra chapter in that book, to not argue whether your point of view is the right point of view…will it matter in a year that you took the time just to be silent? Nope.
I have found myself reiterating a common word lately; overcomplicated.
We’ve been told, since grade school, to be an effective and active listener, we need to truly listen to what the other people are saying, rather than what we are going to say in response. Fair enough. Sounds simple. But, what we haven’t been taught – not nearly enough – is to apply this theory to our actions, our lives, our day-to-days. When we’re preparing to make BIG changes in our lives, we – at least I do – tend to conjure up a massive scenario where every worst case instance happens. The worst that could ever happen – truly – is that the decision we make inconveniences us and is the “wrong” decision. But, if we make it for the right reasons, then it really is never a wrong decision – only a lesson to be learned. (Use your common sense, people…I’m not saying go take up a heroine addiction because you truly believe it will bring you to a higher awareness of self…)
When I was younger, in high school, I believed in a lot of things. Especially myself. As I grew older, I lost that faith – and have battled to find it again. Where did that person go? The girl who stood up for herself – no matter what other people thought? The girl that spoke her mind – and was super educated on the things that mattered to her. Where did she go? Truth is, she’s still in me. She’s just been sleeping – for a long time. Not because that’s no longer who I am…but because that’s who I’ve lost touch with trying to please everyone else.
I don’t think of myself as some martyr or brave soul. I think of myself as a struggling individual. Someone who knows who she is at her core – but cannot seem to pick up the breadcrumbs while I’m finding my way back. Forward is the only way to move – true. But, looking back to find your way forward…that is also something you may have to do sometime. What was your mantra when you were truly you? Who were the people you associated with? Are those the type of people you are surrounded by today? If not, why?
I know my answer is no. No. I am not surrounded by the type of people who make me feel like me. I am not embraced by the acceptance of those who once made me feel…good. But, when we have at least one person – when we meet at least one person – on this journey to rediscover self – that is when we begin to open our eyes again. And feeling like you haven’t felt in years – feeling like your true, authentic self – is scary as hell.
Masterpieces aren’t contrived…they are genuine, natural, works of art. And they are not created in an instant. They are developed. Molded. Deconstructed and reconstructed once again. I am my own masterpiece. And I am nowhere near complete.
